Here it is.
Liam wears his red spider man suit every other day. With Halloween fast approaching, we went to a costume store to check out some Halloween decorum. He spies the Adult red spider man outfit on the rack. Then he insists that I purchase and wear said costume so we can "match" on Halloween.
Realizing I really had no choice I bought the costume, which was my size. I go home to try it on and it rips in 5 places. I couldn't zip it up in back. I had all the muscle bulges all right, but they were in the wrong places.
I have become Spidey fat.
Liam wanted me to go get a size bigger so the next day I go back to the store and ask if they have the next size up. "I'm sorry, sir, this is an adult one size fits all. I'll see if they have a 'plus' size."
A plus size. Jesus, do they make "queen sized" super hero leotards? I'm too fucking fat to wear a one size fits all spider man costume for adults. Even if I was able to repair it and somehow squeeze into it, my body just wouldn't work in that suit. I am...ah...inseam challenged, you could say. Its hard for normal pants to fit me let alone this skin tight web covered pair of tights.
As I tried it on again, Jen said I would have to wear some Spidey shorts over the top of the outfit otherwise I would be "Boogie Nights Spider Man." She was right, me wearing the costume was wrong. Just wrong. I looked like a super hero Ron Jeremy auditioning for some bizarre Czech snuff film.
So, i got a Racer X costume for me and the boy. This fits and i can rest assured that I won't scare small children.
DUDE! Spidey Fat? I am friggin' dyin' ovah here! Doesn't aging suck big fat spiderman ass?
Posted by: Robin | October 29, 2008 at 04:49 PM