Blogging In Plain Site

Chaffing

Today was a gorgeous day - for a motherfucking change. 80 degrees, sunny, clear skies. I felt alive again. I went for a run with Soho for about 5 miles.

I chaffed like a mofo.

Sorry, folks, for going there but I pay the rent in this beast and I gots to express myself.

So later, as I was chasing Liam around Mos Bay Park, it felt like I was straddling two razor blades on the inside of my thighs. I must have looked 60 years old trying to chase Liam down. I couldn't move. I thought I was bleeding it hurt so bad.

Looking at Liam's body. He has mine. Narrow hips, broad shoulders. No hips, for me, means chaffing when I run and it usually never happens unless it is warm and I wear shorts. Both of which were true today.

I need to find some sort way to deal with this. Any other narrow hip dudes out there (which takes away most of my male friends) know how to beat this?

Weekend Calories

From time to time, I'm aghast at how much work it takes to "stay" in shape; or, I should say "get" in shape.

Because I know you care, I'm going to share my diet with you:

Breakfast: Flax seed bread, two veggie sausage (like) patties, cheddar cheese slice
Lunch: Green salad with chicken breast slices, balsamic vinegar, green and red peppers, smattering of Parmesan cheese, handful of cashew nuts
Snack: Apple
Dinner: Grilled pork loin or Salmon filet, brown rice
100 oz+ water a day

Exercise: 3 miles running a day (outside) 4-5 days a week, light weights two days a week

I'm kind of a freak in that, by and large, I don't mind a repetitive diet. I suspect a lot of people are like that but just don't talk about it. So I look at this diet and I think..."OK, WTF?" Why do I have to work this hard to stay in "OK" shape??

Answer: Weekend calories.

• I will eat dinner out on Friday's Saturdays.
• I average two football games a weekend - that's a lot of beer, burritos and chips
• Oh yeah, past 7 on Friday, Saturday nights, I'm drinking; usually red wine
• Starbucks runs on weekends usually involve a pastry stop or two

Yes, it is the Weekends that kill me. And, I think it's because the weeks are so regimented, the same and non-fun. Still, no fast food, moderate drinking during the week, no real snacks or desert to speak of. Not that bad, right?? And, we're nearing the end of football season (so my misery will end watching my disappointing teams and drinking all that beer).

Of course, add travel into the mix and my routine is shot. The pounds add up quick.

I wonder if I even come out ahead with all that work?

Hunger

Did you know that hunger often comes from a lack of hydration, sleep and sex? So next time you're hungry,  drink, sleep, fuck and be merry (and thin)!

You're welcome.

If A Seal Drowned Alone In The Sea? Would Anyone Laugh?

I recently decided to try swimming laps. One half lap into it I was heaving for air like a hot dog eating champion in the Tour De France. I could NOT believe how much it kicked my ass. The more I tried the more wiped out I got. I actually had to stop and rest in the middle of a half lap. Different strokes? Same result.

I am truly a fat, out of shape, pig.

A 60 year old woman was passing me by like a speedboat on a Sunday morning cruise. She didn't say anything but I could read the message in her icy stare underneath her swimming goggles: "Fat-ass, loser."

So I wait a week and try it again. This time, I ate right, I exercised 5X that week featuring a mix of hi rep weights and running. This time children were passing me by and I was retching water out of my heaving lungs like I had just crawled off the Raft Medusa. At any moment I was afraid the incredibly hot lifeguard would pull my head out of the water and warn me that fat, middle age men shouldn't attempt to swim laps without a flotation device.

Was it a little easier the second time? A little. I really tried to give it a half hour. I bet I only gave it 15 minutes and I couldn't even feel my toes. I was sweating in the water. I will keep going. I am determined to be able to swim for a half hour without dying.

BTW, I am only doing this to drain my massive fat reserves. If I get good at swimming and I don't get thin I'll be really pissed off.