Blogging In Plain Site

Running Hot and Cold

It was chilly this weekend. Winter came early to the Pacific Northwest. Now all people are peculiar in one way or another. One of Jen's peculiarities is around temperature. She loves to crank up the heat, turn on the fireplace and open all the windows; creating this jet stream confluence of hot and cold that makes her toes curl. And it makes me crazy. I walk around closing all the windows and she opens them back up again. I'm painfully cold and suffocatingly hot at the same time. And she loves it.

Yesterday she told me she discovered that every other one of her cycles runs three times longer than normal. As a result of that, her PMS period runs for THIRTY DAYS every other cycle. THIRTY DAYS, Y'ALL. This instantly explained a lot.

And, believe me, when she runs hot, you want to throw open some windows.

Happy Birthday, Jen

Thirty seven years old. Seven years in Seattle. Over five years of that together. One amazing little boy who is almost three. I'm so thrilled. I love you. Happy Birthday.

You're So Fired.

You'll notice that I added a new category dedicated to the lovely and talented, Jen Woodbery. She complains (and rightly so) that I do not blog enough about her. I am too caught up in bitching about things I can't control or my own fascination with my internal monologue but that will be addressed going forward.

This brings me to my point.

I love my wife dearly. She is beautiful, intelligent way beyond me, cunning, charming, all the things you would want in a life long partner.

However, she is unreachable on her mobile phone. This can be narrowed down to a few key reasons:

• It goes beyond lack of understanding; it's not like she doesn't get text messaging...or voice mail...or chargers. Keep in mind her husband is one of 100 people in the world who manages some of the more cutting edge things one can do on one's phone. This makes no difference what so ever.
• It goes beyond lack of respect...it's not like she cares if no one can ever get a hold of her in an age when LAN line phones are not receiving calls ....ever

It's just unadulterated lack of interest...she could give a shit if she's reachable or not. I must have purchased or "borrowed" 50 chargers for her over the last 3 years. All go the way of the single sock. She is stuck in the 70's and rescue is not an option. When you call her, you see how little she cares. "The mailbox for the number you have reached, 'Two-zero-six, XXX, XXXX' is full and is no longer receiving messages. This was the case the first week after I made her clean her mail box out. To do that, I had to buy a charger. You see what I'm talking about?

She is what the French call Une Retard Mobile.

The Romans: an Idius Mobus Maximus.

The other day, she asked for an iPhone. "Are you fucking serious?"

I reminded her of the time if found little bits of Sony Ericsson all over the back of my car. "Oh, I just got frustrated that my goddamn phone didn't work" she said at the time. "Was it charged?" "No, I lost my charger." You think I'm shelling out six bills for her to make a Georges Pompidou exhibit out of an iPhone?

Bottom line, I don't care, at this point, if she ever has a working phone. I don't know how she deals with heading up a Strategy practice for Omnicom with massive clients without a mobile phone.

But an iPhone? How about if I buy her a GPS chip and embed it into her shoe? Then if I could only attach a bottomless VM box to it, we'd be on to something.

She's so fired.