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Superbad

The Mariners are bad at pitching. The Mariners are bad at hitting. The Mariners are a bad team.

Here We Go...

Go Hawks!

Bang! Bang! Prediction: Divisional Playoffs

I don't need a week to make my second call. To me, it's plain as day:

The grassy knoll in me says Seattle will have to dominate to make it out  of Lambeau Field with a W so as not to rudely wreck the Farve/Romo ratings orgy for the NFC championship game FOX so desperately covets. More to the point, the NFL wants Brett (America's old sweetheart with one more shot left) vs. Tom (the movie-star hot shot on the verge of a perfect season to match his perfect everything else). The international space station will have to drop on the Packers sideline on Saturday to prevent this.

However, in the world where sports are decided on the field, The Hawk defense will come to play. It will test GB early and hold them, surprise them even but the Hawk offense will take more than half the game to wake up to the new time zone and be essentially useless. But they will eventually make their run, but not until they're behind. Forced mistakes by Hasselbeck trying to play catch up will play into GB's hands making the score more lopsided in the end than the game really was and the Hawks will go home next Saturday.

Pick:
Packers 42 Hawks 24

BTW,
Not that this will happen but IF the game SOMEHOW turned out close enough for OT...meaning Seattle shows up AWAKE and attacks the entire time on both sides of the ball...and Matt calls the ball...don't you think he HAS to say "We want the ball and we're gonna score!" He has to...

The Pick

It's playoff time again, and Stella, I know you're thrilled to be reading Seahawks posts. Fortunately, for you, you won't see many of them. Just this one and one next week and then we are done. No Super Bowl this year, I'm afraid.

Hawks vs The Hogs: Hasselbeck must get pass protection, we must be able to break off the occasional 6+ yard run and we have to stop their running game and get pressure on Collins. If that happens, obviously we win. I think a couple of these things will happen. Usually, the Hawks only get bloodied when they get surprised or when they travel East. There will be neither this week and this means Hawks win.

My pick:
Seahawks 23, Redskins 17


The Hawks will lose in Green Bay next week simply because we have to travel East and coming from a guy who can't function well in the East for business trips, I can understand how brutal that time zone change is - never mind putting on pads and going against maniac athletes running at full speed at 12F. But at least we will shut up these arrogant Redskins fans.

The Halcyon Days of Steely McBeam Begin

The Pittsburgh Steelers. The Pittsburgh Steelers. They stand for might. They stand for strength. They stand for hard-working, old-fashioned, American blue-collar values. They stand for ... Steely McBeam!

Yes, the Steelers' new mascot is actually named Steely McBeam. They had a huge fan contest ... and that won. Steeler fans, prepare for an identity crisis.

Excerpts taken from fan posts at Deadspin.com:

THE GENTLEMAN MASHER: Okay, OKay, I'll get all of the Simpsons Jokes out to the way...Bart: Dad, why did you take me to a gay steel mill? Homer: I don't know!

SHITSHOW: I thought I was the Steeler's gay mascot!

MATT: I'm just waiting for Outsports discovering the shocking photos of Steely McBeam in flagrant delicto with Herbie the Husker

FLaMeTOWN: To refute claims of homosexuality, Steely McBeam now spends his nights hitting paparzzi-laden Pittsburg hot spots with Booby McBoob.

WEED AGAINST SPEED: I once crashed at the Viking's mascot's couch and got crabs.

APPOSTLES03: Wifebeater Faggitowski.

SPECTACULARSAM: I think the Steelers mascot should be  giant mustache.

STAYAWAYFROMOPRAH: I read this quickly and saw "Steamy McBeal" ...and got the lovely image of Calista Flockhart with a hot, fresh poop on her chest.

THEDIRTY: Slappy McSteelcock must have been taken

 

Woodinville Falcons Fast Pictch Softball Team Wins 64-0

In a shocking display of Shock and Awe, the Woodinville High school "Tear Your Hearts Out with Our Talons" Falcons demolished a seemingly hapless Franklin High School team 64-0 in FAST PITCH SOFTBALL.

The coach, Jim Weir, destroyer of little girls self esteem, apparently was shocked as anyone by the final score. He said he was concentrating more on making sure his players were playing the game right and had lost count of the score. Their is a "mercy" rule where the game is called due to a lopsided score. Apparently, the parameters of the mercy rule need to be fine tuned a bit.

OK, let's do some math.

If they scored evenly, they pulled in about 7 runs an inning. After 3 innings its 21-zip. This is a baseball game.

OK, forget 3 innings.

At 2 innings its 14-love. Again, baseball. At this point in the second inning, when the Woodinville girls are using the Franklin infield like Matt Lauer uses Brittney Spears in an interview, engorged in a vile hit parade of softball domination that seemingly has no end...does any one clue in that this is a killing spree?

Does it start to occur to someone...the parents, the players, the umpires, the casual observer in the park near by who can't help but be distracted by the smell of rotting human flesh and the carnival of carrion circling over the pitcher's mound, hey how about the head coach...?? Did it occur to anyone after the SECOND INNING that this might be getting ugly??

Nope. It went on. In the seventh inning when it is 50-zip. At this point, did the coach start experimenting on ways to get the game over with. Try hitting the opposite side. Try stealing every base. Try playing without a glove.

Nope. It went on for 14 more runs. By the ninth inning you might as well chain the Franklin Girls to their field positions turn off the lights, set up a batting machine and go home for the night.

What a disgusting lack of sportsmanship.

Tool Chest

Q: What tools do you need to completely dismantle a major sports franchise - in this case, the Seattle Super Sonics.

A: Just Two: Wally (World) Walker - pictured left, and Starbucks CEO Howard (Schmaltz) Shultz (Right)

Wally Walker deserves an A for effort in his protracted campaign of idiocy to wreck the Super Sonics. His personnel decisions were mind boggling and he is the architect of the heaping mound of shit that has become the Seattle Super Sonic sports franchise. Th e picture of Walker (above) pretty much sums up his grasp on managing a basketball team.

The day Howard Schultz took over leadership of the Sonics ownership group, I knew he would wreck basketball in this town trying to make it into a giant "third space" brand. Howie, who wouldn't know a basketball if it parted his ASS on its way out of his bowels, was hands on from the beginning and just like the boss who insists on singing at Karaoke night in front of his team, it was a bad thing.

OK....(whatever) Sonics

Are you fucking kidding me?? They have T-Shirts already.

BTW, Sam, you may kindly blow me as I do, in fact, update my blog.