Lots of stories lately on how fuct up the Airline industry is. It's almost become boring to bitch about it because the misery is so consistently shared by so many travelers. So I had to think of a new way to bitch about it. How about if I stack rank my least favorite elements of air travel. This is a tough exercise because they are all so fucking miserable. But here's a stab at it. Please leave your rankings (or rants) in comments.
Here we go from most to least miserable:
A. Waiting for all the incompetent, old, fat tits to clear their over-sized carry on shit out of the plane while you're stooping under the overhead compartments and there are a dozen armpits, mouths and ears in your face.
B. Pilots who feel compelled to chat over the scratchy, abrasively loud klaxon and the unbearably slow stutter of drivel they bleat out meaningless, monotone shit to uncomfortable customers who just wish they would shut the fuck up.
C. Middle seats. I know they must exist but they are just plain old shitty. Even in exit rows. Maybe because....
D. Air travelers are increasingly aging, gigantic fat assess that can't fit into their own seats. Shrinking personal space and expanding glutes make this a lose-lose proposition for everyone.
E. People who load their carry ons into the overhead compartment, and, while you're waiting for them to sit down so you can begin your misery, start fishing for select papers, books, magazines, files before they sit down. DO THAT BEFORE HAND YOU SIMP.
F. Fight attendants who ask you to put your seat up and turn off your battery powered headphones during landing.
G. Disrobing almost entirely for security while putting umpteen separate elements into a bin.
H. Never having enough bins set out for customers to dump their shoes, toiletries, computers, video cameras, coats, belts, watches, jewelry into.
I. Nimrods who don't get all this shit ready to load into bins while they're stuck in line for 20 minutes and panic when they get up to the metal detector.
J. The periodic security drills at the check point where they have everyone freeze, shout out code to each other and generally freak the shit out of me.
K. Airline snack packs. Just charge me for food, already.
L. Flight attendants pushing sharp edged metal carts into my shoulder, head, feet in the aisle.
M. The suffocating, minutiae level focus on personal safety while you're in flight when, in reality, if you crash, you will burn to a crisp on the tarmac whether your tray is up or not.
N. The flight safety manuals who portray a crash situation (especially a water landing) as a very clean and fun exercise. The instructional videos are also surreal in their serenity. Just once, I would like to see an instructional video on how to survive a crash be as realistic as possible with panic, screaming, praying, crying, the obligatory couple making out in the corner "going for it" before their world balls up in flame.
O. Why are we instructed on using life preservers when I fly from Seattle to Salt Lake City?
P. The feeling that your feet weigh 30lbs and full of blood when you wake up from a red-eye after drinking half your body weight in Gin.
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