Blogging In Plain Site

Dear Seattle Weather, Why Must You Suck?

2 weeks ago it was 39F and snowing. May was threatening. Now it was 48F and freezing rain. It was so miserable, we had to leave the playground and turn on the heater in the car. I've toughed out many frustrating, wet years here in Seattle but I swear to God, this year is going to break me. It will be the middle of MAY this week. It's 50F, cloudy and raining almost every day. I can't see it ever breaking 65F. If we don't see a turn around this week, I may lose the plot.

Death by Nokia

I get this text message and I flip up my N95 and it locks up, lights up and starts this high pitch buzz/whine that builds in intensity. I mean really loud. The phone starts shaking on the desk and the buzzing got louder, I couldn’t make it stop. I honestly thought it was going to explode so I threw it outside and shut the door behind me. The impact knocked the battery loose and it stopped. Now it works fine.

Space Needle? If you say so...

According to the Seattle times, the idea of the Space Needle began with a scribble on a cocktail napkin in preparation for the 1962 World's Fair. I think Edward Carlson had something different on his mind at the time. Ever seen Superbad? I know you feel me, dog.

Two Week Notice

Last week, our nanny gave two weeks.

Yesterday, my beloved assistant and wonder woman Heidi, gave two weeks.

This shit always comes in threes...who's next? My Wife? My Mom?

My delicately balanced, insane life is about to get roughed up.

Ripped From The Pages of MSNBC.COM

Virus' rising risk for oral cancer in men.

A virus that causes cervical cancer in women poses risk to men. Incidence rates likely due to increase in oral sex and decline in smoking.

Ok, I don't even know where to start with this one.

Chuck Norris' Shit Does Not Stink

So I'm reading Newsweek's column on whether Chuck Norris hurts or helps Mike Huckabee...And I think the headline says it all: "Has the Chuck and Huck Show Jumped the Shark?" and I find this wonderful index of little known Chuck Norris facts. Apparently, if Chuck Norris was a computer, there would be no control button because Chuck is always in control. Oh, and I guess he can "sneeze with his eyes open" he is so bad ass.

Potty Like A Rockstar

Shit!

Soho is crapping web blobs of poop everywhere in the house, and vomiting.

Liam is coming up on 3 and desperately needs to be potty trained so he can attend multiple day pre-schools like his peers.

"Soho, go POTTY!" I say, freezing in my boxers on the porch as she wakes me up 2:00 am on a Sunday morning to go out side....and do nothing.

"Do you have a sample of her poop?" the vet asks right before he charges me $340 for blood-work, x-rays, hydration procedures, etc.

I have poop on the mind. And, seemingly, it's everywhere.

We bought a  book on how to potty train a child in ONE WEEKEND. Man, I'm scared. Put rubber sheets down everywhere and don't leave the house...

Soho is on a rice blend diet with pills and careful monitoring so she doesn't ruin our carpets or hardwoods any further.

The shit has hit the fan in the Woodbery household and it doesn't look like it's going to clear for a while but we will come out potty trained (and re-potty trained) on the other side, it just may not be pretty in the mean time.

Who is the dumbest guy in America?

This guy, right here, that's who. He personally leads a sting, fronting a crew of thugs to steal HIS OWN memorabilia - IN A CASINO WHERE CAMERAS ARE EVERYWHERE. OJ must really like the look of a federal pound me in the ass prison jump suit on him. Nice move my man. Way to piece your life back together.

For next time, OJ, you might want to brush up on your cops and robbers a bit: a "sting" is meant to ensnare an unwitting suspect for the purposes of an ARREST - it is not meant to be a stage for breaking and entering and stealing. I would go ahead and represent yourself as your own attorney.

 

Hey Man, Nice Shot

Has to be the worst (and funniest) professional portrait I've ever seen.

And Ben, it appears to be real.  Meet Michael Brandow, Chicago area trial lawyer. I wonder what went into the creation of this mug over the years and how this became his "smile" face. I also wonder...

Are his balls being lowered into a lobster tank off camera?

Potential Image of The Year

All credit to my man Drew, whose post made its way around my office like wild fire. Sweet find, dude. Everything about this poster is funny.